9 Reasons why You Shouldn't Buy My Books

I love a plot twist, so here’s this week’s plot twist. Instead of telling you why you should read my books, I’m going to be brave (or maybe stupid) and explain why you shouldn’t!

Don’t buy my books IF:

1)      You can’t stand thrillers, mystery, or crime.

If you’re looking for epic fantasy, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. I’m all about the murders.

2)      You love a cosy mystery, but anything with more realism than a cute chef baking cupcakes with a talking cat sends you running for the smelling salts.

My books are not cosy. I like realism and, on the violence scale, they’re probably somewhere in the middle. Which brings me neatly onto the third reason…

3)      You hate British spelling.

My books are set in the UK. If the characters all started talking like native New Yorkers, it would sound completely wrong. So, embrace the cosy flats and the grey colour of the pavements, and enjoy some good stories.

4)      You can’t bear feisty women who don’t do as they’re told.

Some of the men in my life have said this about me. They don’t mean it. Meanwhile, my female characters aren’t afraid to stir things up.

5)      You faint at the slightest swear word.

I actually try not to swear much (in real life or in my books). But sometimes my characters demand to curse. On very rare occasions, they’ve even been known to use the F-word. Let’s face it, you’d laugh at me if a hardened career criminal got arrested in one of my books and all he said was, “gosh, what a pity.”

6)      You hate page-turning books with short chapters.

I love books that pull you through the story, making you want to read ‘just one more chapter’ again and again. So that’s what I write. Don’t get me wrong. Not all of my chapters are short, although I suppose length is relative.

7)      You detest exciting action scenes.

There are always some of these in my books, especially in the climax towards the end. If you can’t cope with a few heart-stopping, suspenseful moments, consider sticking to cosy mysteries, or even cozy mysteries.

8)      You prefer to read badly written, AI-generated books.

My books are lovingly crafted by a real human being (me), then edited and proofread by another lovely human (Emily).

AI can write readable stories, but the plots are generic, and bots aren’t great at writing emotion, or at dropping in those little observations on life that us real authors like to include in our books.

9)      Your TBR (to be read) list contains more books than there are quills on a hedgehog.

This isn’t really a reason not to read (you can always elevate me to the top of the list). It’s more of an excuse why you haven’t got around to it yet. I suppose if you work your way through the list in alphabetical order, you’ll get to me, eventually. I thank God every day that my name isn’t Zoe Zebedee.

In case you're still wondering, a hedgehog has between 5,000 and 7,000 quills.